Mysterious Musings: In her Balance
“The deepest experience of the creator is feminine, for it is experience of receiving and bearing.”
-Rainer Maria Rilke
Hey family, Alex here. We’re sorry for the delayed response in between posts on the sacred her but we can’t tell you how honored we are to share the latest mysterious musings: stories from your higher self.
In her Balance
So much of life is an ebb and flow of polar energy. Sloshing back and forth at times with violence, at others with a steady rocking. Honestly, I see more good done by women and men who are in equal balance. maybe even more often with feminine in leadership.
When I met my wife I was begging for it to end (aka thoughts of suicide serious scary depression bottled up over a lifetime of neglect and sadness and longing and jaded competition) I was/am tired and life felt like a waste to me (still does sometimes). The only joy I found was/is/will always be in art. She was also down on her luck and wanted to become a success and "fulfill the american dream". That was the line she told me anyway. She asked me to marry her and I couldn't get the person i was dating to commit to me (eventually I would thank god for that btw) and i really thought/still think i need(ed) a partner and friend. I was about to graduate and i was scared to be out on my own. Plus I still hoped for an epic university love story lol that wasn't in my cards though. Things were going well we had a very official feeling day at the courthouse. And then a "State Marriage" thing at an acquaintances house in Bath. She really is a very talented vocalist and artist in general and I hadn't anything to hold out for anymore so we married. I guess that's how we fell in "love".
I was attracted to what made her most human, when she was vulnerable and vice versa. So I guess that would be assigned masculine or something, my urge to take care of a precious thing and defend it from "bad cowboys tryna steal their time with her"(that's the role I thought we were playing for each other in our State Marriage. Im telling you what, its so artsy fartsy if you take the time to decipher it but in the end it was all shit. we took and took and took from each other (feminine in the hermetic sense at least).
When she became pregnant in August right when we separated I knew my choice to end the relationship and "life"had been a good one. . Let me reiterate, at this time i can not be a fit mother (or father for that matter)... I hope she is ready for it. I repeatedly checked in on her birth control use when we lived together and i can tell you it seemed to waiver at the end of our cohabitation. I had even made her promise to stay on bc. "There's no bringing someone else's life into our mess. She promised. Then she broke her promise. There are plenty of other examples, one in particular involved a couple of cats, another a turtle and the saddest of broken promises was a dead rabbit. It will end in a true love story im sure .
But My feminine energy comes from the same stuff you see when a union worker stands up and says "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, no more consume exploit extract consume throwaway *fail to give true thanks* elbow your way past and nudge your way in. There's too much of that in this world. The humble energy that dips out of a fight when the other side is so tragically and clearly aligned differently. A balance of masculine and feminine with a flag of submission when the shit hits the fan.
I received a toxic feminine energy because that's what I was giving to the universe. In a round about way the universe/her/god/creator, has put me in a situation to bear the humility of accepting my faults and showing me a path to improve my life and my own personal love story.